Cinematic Disasters: Tarzan, the Ape Man

A retrospective by Brooks Rich

Good to bring this segment back but oh god this film. The year is 1981 and British director John Derek makes this film under the Tarzan license that is essentially padding built around scenes of his wife Bo Derek being naked and fucking Tarzan. Clearly yes, this film was made just so horny dudes could go see Bo Derek naked but my God, is it also just dull as dishwater. And the fact that the director is married to Bo just makes the whole thing feel sleazy.

Bo Derek deserves better than this. Well first she deserves not to be filmed by her borderline creeper husband, ignoring the fact she's a producer on this, but she was an icon of her time. Yes of course she was a sex symbol but she was talented too. Check out the movie 10, which is pretty good. She has nothing to do here but flatly deliver her lines and wait for John to tell her to take her clothes off for a nude swim or for a sex scene with Tarzan, played by wannabe action star Miles 'o' Keefe in his debut film, whose biggest claim to fame is playing beefy Conan ripoff Ator in a series of films, most famously Cave Dwellers, which was a classic episode of Mystery Science Theater.

Look I am no prude. I don't mind films that are just made to show sex or nudity. The '70s was filled with them. There was a time in this country someone could go to the theater and choose to see either a G rated family film or Behind the Green Door, a film where a bunch of guys walk out of a door and have sex with a woman. But as the '70s made way to the '80s and that Reagan era of conservative values emerged in this country, sex films were relegated back to sleazy corners of the film world. One of the last gasps of "artistic" sex films so to speak was this nearly two hour slog. An embarrassment for everyone involved and maybe John Derek's worst movie, even worst then the one he made with a cameo by Donald Trump.

Comments

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

A retrospective by Brooks Rich Let's kick off the spooky season with a bona fide classic. I love the horror genre, but not much really scares or creeps me out. Most horror films I just watch and enjoy. However, 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' is one of those that really gets under my skin, and not just because the Sawyer family are eating people. The way Tobe Hooper shoots the film gives it an almost documentary feel. If you have never seen 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre,' you should probably fix that immediately. Do I need to explain what it's about? A group of '70s kids is driving across Texas in a van and runs afoul of the Sawyer family, including the man himself, Leatherface. It's a classic of the horror genre and one of the pioneers of the '70s and '80s horror boom. The film has a reputation for being sickeningly bloody and violent, but that is not true. It's essentially a bloodless film, which makes it even more horrifying. Most of the violence...

Forgotten Film Friday: Absolute Power

Clint Eastwood stars as Luther Whitney, a jewel thief who works in the Washington DC area. One night while he is stealing from a mansion he is forced to hide in a secret compartment with a two way mirror. From there he observes a sexual rezendevous with the wife of a powerful man and the President of the United States Alan Richmond (Gene Hackman) Suddenly the president gets aggressive and while defending herself the woman is shot to death by two Secret Service agents. Luther manages to get away with a letter opener the woman stabbed the president with. At first Luther plans to flee the country. But when he is disgusted by a statement the president makes, Luther decides to expose the crime. I miss these kind of films. The nineties was a great time for thrillers exactly like this. They are not the flashiest films but they are also not obsessed with big action scenes. It's all plot and character with them. Sure this plot might be a little out there but Eastwood makes it work. He's...

John Candy month: Summer Rental

A retrospective by Brooks Rich Air traffic controller Jack Chester (John Candy) is given paid time off when he nearly causes two airline disasters. He takes his family down to Florida for a vacation. Hijinks ensue because its '80s comedy and Candy ends up challenging a pompous Richard Crenna to a yacht race to close out the summer. This is a movie that has been forgotten to time in the grand scheme of Candy's career. Even with Carl Reiner directing it does have the same name recognition as some of Candy's other works. But I think it's a solid entry in his filmography. He plays a great everyman who we have no problem rooting for. The slobs versus snobs relationship he has with Crenna works like a charm and he genuinely seems like a good father and husband. Candy was always great at playing both the everyman and the aloof goofball. Sometimes he'll even play both. His character of Jack Chester in this is a good example of that. At times Jack is the goofy comic relief...

Cinema Basement

Search This Blog